For parent and child fostering, the parent is often being assessed as part of the placement, meaning that there is usually a defined length of time for it. I’ve had mums who have been successful in their parenting assessment and have gone on to do well with their baby, I’ve had mums who have been unable to cope and have left me with the baby.

I’ve looked after children for whom the plan is adoption. This process can take time and as such you don’t really know how long they will be with you. I’ve prepared children for their new families and a new beginning but also for the inevitable ending. This can be a difficult but rewarding piece of work to do with young children.

I’ve seen teenagers into independence, helped them to move on to the next stage of their lives and been at the end of the phone when they needed me. I’ve seen young people go on to live good lives and do well. And I’ve kept in touch with many of them.

I’ve also cared for teens who have only ever wanted to be with their birth families. At 16 they have voted with their feet! This is a natural and understandable pull and sometimes something that a young peron needs to give a good shot. At other times, it has been disastrous and heart-breaking to watch.

I’ve cared for children who have been reunited with birth family as part of their care plan. At times I have wholeheartedly felt this was the right decision, at others I have had to work with a plan I didn’t agree with.

However things end, end they do. This throws up all sorts of issues for the children and young people who may really struggle with endings in the context of the loss and trauma they have suffered. They may not know how to deal with goodbyes or how to say goodbye to someone well, to keep them in their lives. For many, a clean cut is the least painful option.

In my experience, for the foster carer, each ending is difficult. I have cared about each child I have fostered. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be doing it! Each time a child leaves, it throws up all sorts of feelings. There is grief there. Sometimes there are questions, self-doubt, what-ifs. And often, even after many years, I have taken endings personally. This is a natural reaction, after all fostering happens in your own home and takes enormous commitment and emotional investment. We all just want the best outcome for the children we look after. I’ve also had to deal with the sense of loss experienced by my own children, which can be complicated to navigate.

Foster carers need many things in order to manage the process of a child leaving. They need good counsel and support from their Supervising Social Worker, something I have always had and remain ever grateful for. Foster carers need good friends to seek solace in. Foster carers need other foster carers who truly understand what they are going through. Training and development plays an important role in understanding endings and our responses to them.

Above all, we need hope. That when all is said and done there will be good to come out of the care you have offered. This can be elusive, but with time that little flame ignites. Time will always tell.

If you would like to know more about fostering, contact us via Facebook, our website, or email us at team@easternfosteringservices.com

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In many cases, it is in the childrens’ interests to remain together but this can prove very tricky for Local Authorities during a time of a shortage of foster carers and highest ever numbers of children coming into care.

How long can you foster siblings for?

The plan for these children can vary. Sometimes, the plan for little ones is for adoption. In cases like this, our job is to care for and nurture the children, implement good, healthy boundaries, attend to any medical needs, and of course prepare them for adoption as well as supporting the adoption process, including introductions and visits. We’ve had some really positive experiences supporting children into adoption and many of the children we are still in touch with via photos and letters. It’s always hard to say goodbye to these little ones. You love them and care for them. But when you know they are going to a good home, with good people it’s worth it all.

Sometimes, the Local Authority plan is for siblings to return to their birth families once assessments are carried out or support is offered to the families. You often don’t really know how long these assessments or support efforts are going to take. Fostering is like string in that sense! This sort of fostering can be challenging. As a foster carer, you need to facilitate contact with birth families and keep a close eye on how the children react to this contact. This can vary amongst the siblings as they might all have very different schemas when it comes to the family dynamics. Children may also struggle to deal with the uncertainty that surrounds this scenario. You may not know the long term plan until the assessments are done and court decisions made. The length of the assessment will depend on many factors too. It’s difficult for children to live with that degree of uncertainty and they require a lot of therapeutically centred care from their foster carers.

It can be very difficult for foster carers to manage a reunification to family. As a foster carer, you are not always able to be a part of the decisions that are made but it is the nature of the task to work with the decisions and to ensure they are managed as well as possible for the good of the children. That said, all foster carers have a responsibility to advocate for the children in their care, which we have always tried to do to the best of our ability.

Better together?

I’ve said that when we started out, we felt strongly that siblings needed to be kept together, and often they do. But we have learned that this is not always the best outcome for children who have suffered a traumatic early childhood. In these cases, it can be that siblings share a bond that has been formed from trauma. They will have learned dynamics and coping strategies. They may have confusing feelings towards each other and their behaviours can retraumatise each other. In this instance, an assessment may be carried out to assess whether it is in the children’s interests to be separated. This is never an easy process for the children but we have cared for siblings who have gone on to thrive once separated and now enjoy good relationships with their brothers and sisters which are promoted during regular contact. Fostering is never black and white!

Overall, I would summarise our experience of fostering siblings as a rewarding and positive experience. A little hectic at times and hard work of course but we’ve cared for so many lovely children. We’ve had lots of laughter and shed many tears. We’ve seen an increase in the complexity of the children who are coming into foster care. This could well be the impact of covid on families’ mental health, domestic violence and substance abuse. We’re also seeing more teenage siblings coming into foster care, whereas it always used to be much younger children. It’s an ever changing landscape but we like to think we’re a steady presence, and that is after all, exactly what these children need.

If you feel you could offer a loving home to siblings, please get in touch with Eastern Fostering Services at team@easternfosteringservices.com or visit our website or Facebook page. You can also call us on 01206 299775.

The post Musings of a Foster Carer – Fostering Sibling Groups appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

I love babies and younger children, but there’s something about teens that I find so rewarding. Sure, it can be hard to keep up to speed with their world: social media, language, trends. Keeping them safe is so much harder than it used to be.

BUT

Teenagers are interesting.

They may not always be interested in interesting things (in my view), but as human beings, they have so much to offer. Undoubtedly, over the last few years, the teens we see come into foster care are more complex. The reasons for this are varied: Covid I’m sure has played a major role. Many of our teens have suffered long-term exposure to mental ill health, substance abuse and domestic violence, none of which make good bedfellows with lockdowns. In addition to this, education has been disrupted and the world increasingly feels like a hopeless place for them.

Despite all this, they offer a fresh perspective. There is nothing quite like a good conversation with a teenager. I’ve found that once you gain their trust, they open up and when they do, it’s like finding treasure. In many cases, they just want someone solid who sees them and hears them. Someone who believes in them.

Many of them don’t like the boundaries we as foster carers have to put in and yet they recognise they need them. Of course, this doesn’t mean they won’t fight them tooth and nail. One teenage girl I fostered said once that she liked knowing someone was at home worrying about her. That when I told her to keep in touch and be home by a certain time, it made her feel safe and cared for. She also secretly quite liked my crossness when these rules were flouted. It showed I cared.

Never a dull moment

The fact is teenagers, like any other child or adult, come in all shapes and sizes. It is unfair to lump them into one category, to lay prejudice on them, to treat them as homogenous. (I do see the irony that I am in many ways doing that in this blog!)

I suppose what I want to say is that teenagers really need foster carers. They need foster carers who can listen, who can be there, who can grit their teeth against the downs and hold out for the ups. Often, they need someone in their back pocket, someone they can rail against but who they know is there for them. Though they may never let you know that. Some will love cooking with you. Some might take walks with you. Others will enjoy shopping trips. Some you may struggle to tempt out of their rooms. Some will swear. Some will be non-communicative. Some will suffer with their mental health. All, by the very nature of the situation they find themselves in draw from a deep pool of resilience. In my book, that makes them worth taking a chance on.

Shout out

There are so many teenagers in Essex, Cambridgeshire and Suffolk who need a warm and nurturing foster home. If you’d like to help, please get in touch with Eastern Fostering Services at Apply to Foster In Essex, Cambridge & Suffolk Eastern Fostering Services (eastern-fostering-services.com) via facebook or email them at team@easternfosteringservices.com

The post Musings of a foster carer – Fostering teens appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

I’ve seen a lot over the last few years since starting fostering. There are so many ways that childhood adverse experiences can impact food, eating habits and behaviour around food.

We once fostered two brothers, who had suffered severe neglect. The first evening they were with us, we sat at the table to eat. I brought out something I thought would be a safe bet, not knowing what their favourite foods were. It became obvious immediately that they had not been taught how to use a knife and fork and had probably never sat at a table to eat. Carnage doesn’t come close to describing it. The boys used their hands to eat. It was alarming to see how much food they would put into their mouths, rarely stopping to chew or swallow. One of the boys finished and immediately launched himself at the leftovers on the kitchen sideboard. The other brother did not take kindly to this and fighting soon broke out.

Once we’d finished, the boys wanted to know immediately when the next meal was and what it would be. We told them it would be breakfast and that they could have cereal, toast, eggs or fruit.

That night we were disturbed by noise coming from the kitchen. The boys were making themselves a midnight feast. This would become a regular thing. Food would go missing and we soon found that they were hoarding the food under their beds. They would also eat to excess at every meal and constantly ask when the next meal was and what it was.

Suddenly food, which had always been a thing of pleasure became a source of pressure for us and obvious anxiety for the boys.

Over time, we came to understand that previously the boys had had food witheld as punishment, that there often was no food in the house, that they had had to eat pet food or steal food. They didn’t yet know they could trust us to provide regular meals and needed to ensure they always had a supply hidden for those times when the cupboards might be bare.

Finally able to understand what the boys were thinking and feeling, we began to respond. We provided them with storage tubs and a small selection of healthy snacks that they could keep there and top up to a certain number. We put up meal planners and times for each meal. We took the pressure away at meal times and responded with praise when they ate well and didn’t fight over food. They gradually learned to sit and enjoy mealtimes, though the need to have a stash of food never really went.

Treat or trick?

A young lady we cared for really had us stunned. We had announced that we were having a takeaway one evening. She totally freaked out, locked herself in her room and refused to come out. Later, she confided that she associated takeaways with abuse as they were often presented as a “treat” following sexual abuse.

We’ve seen children with eating disorders as a result of the experiences they have had and subsequent need for control or lack of self-esteem.

We’ve had our food rejected, scrutinised and thrown at us! (not very often happily). We’ve come to realise the importance of food in terms of cultural identity and comfort. And we have also found food to be a critical part of the nurturing process. I’d like to add that we have also had children who have had healthy relationships with food and who have enthusiastically embraced new foods and food experiences. And we have learned about new foods and ways of eating too!

Perhaps the most important thing we’ve learned is that you can’t make any assumptions in fostering. You need to expect anything and be prepared to be flexible. Understanding the lived experiences of the children is so important when it comes to food and fostering, but this takes time and is not always immediately obvious.

The post Musings of a foster carer – Food for thought. appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

The first time we took our foster child away on holiday with us, we assumed that the same rules would apply: everyday life would be left behind and we would all be refreshed by a much needed holiday. And it was refreshing. And it was a happy time. But it was soon apparent that we were not going to be able to leave our metaphorical baggage behind. The challenges of fostering followed us across the ocean and forced us to reframe what this holiday would mean.

A shaky start

Our child had never been on holiday before. He had on one occasion been left behind by his parents while they went away. He had never been abroad and had no reference point to help him understand what to expect. I think, in a way, the very act of taking our child away with us raised complex emotions in him which we hadn’t anticipated. Anger resurfaced, centred on his previous life experiences. A strange sort of guilt also seemed to play at him, meaning he almost wanted the trip to be rubbish, a way to stay loyal to his parents perhaps. So we had a fair bit to help him grapple with before we even set foot on foreign soil.

I think we understood we needed to keep expectations low or at least realistic. An expectation that everyone was to be happy and on their best behaviour while we were away (however much WE yearned for that) would add a layer of pressure that would surely backfire.

He did cope really well with the journey and was unable to hide his excitement and wonder as the plane took off, I still have the nail marks where he grabbed hold of my hand! I think he so desperately wanted to enjoy himself, was genuinely excited but also out of his comfort zone. So many conflicting emotions.

Healing waters

This conflict was most often forgotten and overridden when he was splashing around in the pool with our children. He lived in that pool that holiday. We made sure we had plenty of time round the pool each day and always communicated how long we’d be there and what we would be doing for the rest of the day. Despite this, he would often try and sabotage days out so that we would return home. I think he felt safe at the villa and exposed and uncertain when visiting strange towns, with strange people who spoke strangely and looked different. All understandable once we put ourselves in his shoes. But we held firm. We made sure we chose activities with everyone in mind and exposed our foster son, gently and sensitively to new experiences. We encouraged him to say please and thank you in the local language. One waiter remarked on how good his language skills were and he positively beamed! It was great to see this pride start to emerge.

Usually on holiday, we ban phones. Controversial, but we have always felt the holiday is about reconnecting as a family. However, we knew that our foster son attached a huge importance to friendships and to his family who he managed his own contact with. Often his interactions with family could be problematic and cause upset to him. And of course there was no exception on holiday. Yet, we knew it would be unrealistic, unfair and unethical to expect him to forgo this contact. Instead we allotted a period of time each day for phone usage. Yet again the pool came to the rescue. As soon as phone time was over, pool time began. It genuinely seemed therapeutic for him and swimming would become something we continued with him long after the holiday was over.

There were so many incidents on the holiday that could have easily ruined our trip had we allowed them to BUT there were more wonderful moments. There was good side-by-side time, new experiences, a newly found confidence and pride.

We all learned something from that first fostering holiday. Holidays are not an escape from your problems. But they are an opportunity to consolidate therapeutic care and to develop new skills, strategies and perspectives.

And what’s more, our foster son, who has long since left us, still talks about that holiday, that swimming pool, and the memories we made together.

The post Musings of a foster carer – Holidays appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

I look at the clock. They are late. Nothing unusual as that. I fidget and find things to do with my restless hands. The clock hand moves so slowly. It always does. But here’s the thing, no matter how many children you have fostered, how many clocks you have watched, it is always unnerving waiting for a new child to arrive.

The fostering rollercoaster

Fostering certainly keeps you on your toes. The week leading up to my frenzy of bed making and cleaning has been a veritable loop-the-loop. It has involved reading through information on the child, thinking of what questions we need to ask, reading between the lines. There have been numerous phone calls with our placements manager at Eastern Fostering Services. In the background, I know a lot has happened to get me to the clock-watching point. At one point we didn’t think the plans to move this child here were going ahead. The Local Authority found a carer slightly closer to school and family. I am philosophical about this. A shorter journey to school and being closer to family has to be in the best interests of the child. I take a breath and let go of the child I have already invested in, thought about, planned for.

I am sent more potential matches. There are always more sadly. And then a phone call.

“The Local Authority would like to know if you’re still available for O?”

Child O.

The placements officer continues, “The carer has withdrawn her offer and they need to get O settled today. Are you still happy to take her?”

Yes, I am still happy to take her. My contact details are given to the Local Authority Social Worker. He calls me after lunch. O doesn’t yet know that plans have changed and that she is moving to a different carer, a bit further away. She will likely be told when the social worker picks her up from school to bring her here. Can you imagine? I ask him to show O our welcome book which has photos of us and the dogs. Pictures of the house and her new bedroom. For me, fostering in an imperfect system, it is important that I push for the best for the children, even if the best isn’t quite good enough.

I’m interrupted from my thoughts by the shrill ringing of the phone.

“We’re on our way. O is happy and is very excited to meet the dogs. See you in half an hour or so.”

Expecting the unexpected.

Like I said before, it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve waited for new children to arrive over the years I’ve been fostering. It is always a mix of emotions. Some nerves. Excitement. Trepidation. Are we going to gel? Give it time. Are there going to be any surprises? Behaviours that were not in the child’s information? Highly likely. Expect the unexpected. Will the child be scared, excited, hypervigilant? Will they be withdrawn, anxious or hyper and noisy. You know you can never predict this. Will they be too eager to please? Or will they get straight to the testing phase? A bit of both most likely depending on the day. Can I make this a happy home for them? You can certainly try.

I glance at the clock again. The doorbell goes. The opening bars to the song. They are here. I go to the door, pull it open and smile. My anxieties pushed away the moment I see her framed in my doorway.

“Come on in!” I say.

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A path well laid.

I feel that I’d been really well prepared for fostering during my assessment with Eastern Fostering Services. I spent a lot of time with my assessor talking about the realities of fostering, what I could expect, what the challenges might be. I’d seen anonymised referrals and had the chance to understand the impact of loss and trauma on children, their development and their behaviour.

I’d gone to the skills to foster training which had opened my eyes to the realities of life for a child in foster care. How many people are involved in their lives and what that must feel like. I met other foster carers who shared their experiences, knowledge and a few words of wisdom! So yes, I felt I was well-prepared. Maybe if I’m honest, there was a part of me that thought I knew it all.

Reality bites

Spoiler alert! I didn’t know the half of it!

I was nervous and also excited when my first child was placed. The same emotions I still feel with the arrival of any new child. But the truth was, things were about to get real. You really don’t know what it’s like to foster until you start to foster. Until you are caring for a child who is not your own and who has been through so much.

There is always a carrot and a stick with fostering. The carrot is the fairy tale element which is always on your mind, part of your motivation to some extent. That the child will settle, form a strong attachment to you (and vice versa), make good progress. That they will be happy.

You have to be prepared for the stick though. The feeling of being out of your depth, that you’re failing, that maybe you are just not cutting it. That the child hates you. Imposter syndrome on a very personal level.

The fostering wobbles

So, the early days of fostering for me were mostly characterised by the stick. It just felt like such a massive task. I was worried about the responsibility I felt and I was overwhelmed by the need to get it all right. I did wonder if I’d made a mistake.

My Supervising Social Worker rightly saw that I needed encouragement and support. She could see that I was trying to manage this huge change in my life and that I was putting myself under a massive amount of pressure. We had regular supervisions and she encouraged me during these sessions. We spoke on the phone regularly as I sought reassurance. She never once told me that any approach I took was wrong. She helped me to see that there is no right or wrong in general terms but instead guided me towards flexibility based on the personality and needs of the child. She showed me what the child might be trying to say when she smashed up her new toys, or pointed out how that heavy blanket and cuddle had really calmed her. She allowed me to see what worked and what didn’t for that individual child. To stand back and watch. To take my time.

The weekly recordings were (and still are) really helpful to me as they allowed me to reflect. When I was writing everything down, I could see more clearly what the child might have been thinking, feeling or trying to say to me. I could look at my own reactions with a constructive eye. With time, I got to know the child so well. The stick came out a lot less and I got more days enjoying the carrot.

A message to all new foster carers

There have been many personal wobbles over the years. Wonderful experiences. Difficult times. Doubts. Fears. Worries. BUT I want to encourage all you new foster carers. You are enough! It’s a big deal when you start fostering. HUGE! Speak with your Supervsising Social Worker, make use of their knowledge and skills. Take your time. Relax. Put away the stick now and then. Look for the carrot. You’ll see it eventually.

The post Musings of a foster carer – The early days of fostering. appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

When people find out that you are a foster carer, they will often comment on how rewarding it must be. I’m never quite sure how to respond to that in an honest, authentic way. The truth is that a lot of the time, it is hard work. At times, you can feel like a vessel, pouring out and never quite being replenished. I think one of the things committed foster carers have to be able to do is to keep looking for the small encouragements. There are always plenty of them but you have to stop and look. Eyes up.

Sometimes, it will take someone else to notice a subtle change in your child or point out certain behaviours that no longer happen with the same frequency. Oftentimes you need reminding from your social worker that you are making a difference and that you’re on track even if it doesn’t feel like it.

These little encouragements keep you going and help you through the difficult patches and they can also cement your motivation and passion for fostering.

But I think the most honest thing I can say about fostering is that the real rewards often don’t make themselves known until years down the line. Fostering is a bit like the famous experiment on delayed gratification. There you are with a boiled sweet in front of you. You can eat it now, but if you wait for a period of time, you’ll be offered a whole bag to eat at your leisure. Foster carers need to have their eye on the whole bag whilst sneaking hungry peeks at the single, sugary treat in the here and now.

Delayed gratification brought home

This concept of delayed gratification for foster carers was brought home to me in a powerful way this week.

I met up with my foster son who now lives independently, locally to us. We see each other and talk regularly but this meeting was to be a particularly insightful one.

When our foster son came to us, he was the same age as my youngest birth son is now, almost 14. Seeing them greet each other the other day made me realise what our foster son had lost and how young he was when he lost it. He is now in his 20s. This week we talked in depth about his experiences, how he had felt and what his life had been like before he came to us. I knew his story, of course. I knew the terrible things he had been through. But when he came to us, he spoke no English at all. His story had therefore been filtered through interpreters of varying quality. Muted somewhat. Now, more than 6 years on, I heard his story, in his own words, in English. I have to admit, I hadn’t anticipated how emotional this would be. Neither had I expected to hear new details of a story that was so familiar to me. Equally, it was the first time that I had shared with him what things had been like for us. He hadn’t known he was our first foster child. He hadn’t realised that we were finding our way as much as he was.

He told me of the fear that had clung to him for so much of his life. I nodded and told him that when he came in through our front door flanked by social workers, I had never seen such naked fear in anyone’s eyes. It actually scared me to see it, something contagious.

These newly-revealed horrors that had happened to him in the lead-up to his arrival were familiar to him but shockingly new to me. I felt saddened that there were still things I didn’t, couldn’t know about him and how he had had to carry these deep inside himself. I felt my heart break for him all over again.

But then he spoke of his foster brothers, my sons. He said how they had lifted him, how they made him laugh and how as long as he lives they will be his brothers. He explained that whilst he was traumatised and deeply hurt by his experiences, he always felt safe with us. It was a reminder of the genuine attachment and affection he has for us, which was by no means evident much of the time he was with us.

He spoke of his schooling and the opportunities he had had and how he had always tried to make the most of these. This is something we have always praised and encouraged him in, so it was wonderful to hear how he values them still.

He then told me that whilst he still carries a lot of hurt and worry, he is genuinely happy with life. He loves his job, he has made a wonderful home for himself. He has a good group of friends and he knows he has us if ever he needs us. I always wondered if we would ever see him happy. It felt like there were just too many hurdles for him to overcome. But happy he is! I felt like he’d presented me with a whole sack of sweets, one that I can open from time to time as a reminder to keep going.

I have to admit there were some tough times with our foster son, as there always are with any child. There were times that we wondered if we could carry on, whether we were actually adding anything or making any difference at all. But we knew in our hearts that we needed to stick with him, and stick with him we did. This week, I can honestly say that I am so very glad we did. To see him doing so well, his life taking form from the rubble of what had gone before, to be able to tell him how proud we are of him and watch him beam. That is priceless. That is something truly worth waiting for.

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