Angela and Mark have been foster carers for Eastern Fostering Services for a number of years now.  Those years have been full of wonder and challenge, but throughout it all, the “family” that they describe to me (made up of Eastern Fostering Services staff and other Eastern Fostering Services foster carers) has helped them navigate through it all.

“The first thing that comes to mind is the training they provide,” explains Mark.  “I used to work in social services  for a council but the training I receive from Eastern Fostering Services is in a different  league.”

“I’ve worked as a counsellor and have had lots and lots of training, but I learned so much new stuff through Eastern Fostering Services, like how the teenage brain works – it was explained to me beautifully as it’s like they’re doing up a huge, big mansion house, and while it’s in the process of being done up, they’re living in a caravan,” says Angela.  “Empathy and other key emotions and thought processes are under construction – a work in progress.  I also learned lots about neuroplasticity – basically how, in spite of what we’re often told, the brain adapts and people change, even late into the teenage years and well beyond.”

But it’s not just the training that helped.  Things weren’t always easy and the ongoing support from the team at Eastern Fostering Services made such a difference, who were once immediately able to offer 10 days respite care to the couple to allow them to deal with other issues in their lives.

“All the way through it was just a matter of getting on the phone – day or night – and they were there to help in practical and meaningful ways,” says Mark.

“And it’s so important that they’re always there, which isn’t what we always hear from other acquaintances who have fostered via other agencies,” adds Angela. “It means there’s always an intermediary between you and your foster child: someone to diffuse the tension and ensure that when any conflict or difficulty arises it doesn’t damage the relationship you have with your foster child.  You can just get on and be a parent and someone is there to help explain the boundaries to the child you’re caring for.”

“At Eastern Fostering Services it’s crystal clear that their first priority is the child and the child’s welfare, and that’s why they look after the carers so well, as that’s essential in enabling the carers to then look after the child,” Mark says. “And that care is there from the start in terms of the matching process – it’s never a case of ‘hey, we’ve got a vacancy, let’s fill it.’”

And, according to Angela: “beyond that care from the Eastern Fostering Services staff, the social and other events with other foster carers are so incredibly useful, there is always someone who has a similar story, people you can bond with, people you can advise and people you can receive advice from, just like one big family really.”

*names have been changes and gender identity concealed.

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Talking to Angela and Mark about their first foster-child – Alex* – I’m struck by the warmth they still have for them, and while it wasn’t always a bed of roses, they both seem to be incredibly enriched by the experience – both the good and the bad.

I had expected Angela and Mark to tell me that the process of finally being approved as foster carers – by a panel including a previously fostered person, foster carers, local authority staff and staff from Eastern Fostering Services – was at least a little bit nerve-wracking.  But Angela assures me that this wasn’t the case at all.

“They all ask questions, but, by then you’ve done all the work [through the Eastern Fostering Services ‘Skills for Fostering’ course], so there’s nothing to be scared about.  And you only go to panel if your assigned social worker is there to recommend you as foster parents,  and speak up for you.”

Having passed panel, Angela and Mark were matched with a child – Alex – within three days, but, of course, the work to get that match had been going on long before then: “They put lots and lots of work into matching the right children with the right carers,” explains Mark.

Like so many children in need of the stability of a foster home, Alex had a troubled past and in some ways their development had been hindered by neglect.

“It was important to allow Alex to develop at their own pace,” says Angela, “For example they used to play with toys a lot, often toys that were meant for much younger children, but this was because they hadn’t had many toys at that age: it was their way of catching up.”

“It certainly wasn’t always easy,” adds Mark, “foster children are different to your own children because of all the baggage they bring, and for Alex, their coping strategies included hyper-vigilance and acting out, but, as time went on, they stopped hitting and stealing.”

“You’re prepared for it all though, the Team at Eastern Fostering Services give you the worst case scenarios beforehand and that helps you through it, both for your own wellbeing and that of the child,” Angela explains.

“You do need to be aware that your foster-child’s behaviour, and your situation as a result of that affect everyone around you – not just your family, but, your friends, your neighbours, and people in the wider community.  Sometimes you are blamed for your child’s behaviour, like when they steal from shops, but what was more amazing was the support you get from all sorts of places, including the unexpected,” says Angela.

“The whole community rallied round us, but, either way, it shows the importance of identifying a good support network in advance,” adds Mark.

“Alex has now grown up and moved on, but It’s only now that they’ve gone that we’re re-discovering all these little notes from them.  It’s so heart-warming,” says Mark.

“Yes, it fills us with a real sense of achievement, and we’re so happy that we still see Alex – they will always be part of our family,” Angela adds.

*names have been changes and gender identity concealed.

The post The Panel: The story of Angela and Mark* appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

“It took us two years from our first assessment to being approved as foster carers,” Mark explains, “but that was because at that time in our lives we had so much going on that we wanted to take it slow”.  They were supported by Eastern Fostering Services in going at a speed that was right for them: “after all, it’s important for the child that the foster carers are in the right space to be there for them,” adds Angela.

They both feel it is really important that foster carers don’t feel pressured into rushing it, but, on the other hand, if you’re all set and ready to go it can be done in as little as six months.  Either way you’ll be supported by the team at Eastern Fostering Services all the way through to “Panel”.

“The whole family had to take part in our assessment to become foster carers,” says Angela, “They were all interviewed to ensure that we, as prospective carers, would have the support network we’d need.”

They told me that “no stone was left unturned”, but that it was actually quite a therapeutic process – the kind of therapy others might have to pay hundreds or thousands of pounds for!

As Mark says: “Nobody has the perfect background, yet sometimes people worry that something about them will be somehow unacceptable: a previous broken marriage or depression for example.” “Full honesty is definitely the best policy, you won’t be rejected for an imperfect past; it’s all life experience and actually helps create more empathy, something that’s essential in foster caring,” explains Angela.

They both feel that while their own professional backgrounds – in caring and counselling – have helped it’s really not essential to have that kind of background as “a child needs a normal family, not a team of professionals.”

When I ask them what it is then that makes a good foster carer they tell me that the key ingredients are kindness, compassion, being non-judgemental, and – very importantly – patience.  They also add that the ability to set boundaries, discipline and structure are absolutely essential – basically all the same things that make a good parent.

In the next in our series on Angela and Mark’s journey we’ll hear more about going to Panel and getting matched with their first placement in Beyond Panel: The Match.

View the full series of Angela and Mark’s story here

The post The Road to Panel: “Nobody has the perfect background” appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.

Angela and Mark’s* fostering journey began nearly a decade ago.  They are both keen to share the story of their journey with Eastern Fostering Services in order to help others who may be thinking about fostering find out what it’s really like.  This is the first in what we hope will be a series of blog posts in which they talk to me about their experience.

When I first met Angela and Mark I was really struck by how warm, friendly and relaxed they both are – though they assure me that the fostering experience, while one they both say has been richly rewarding, hasn’t always been the most relaxing experience!

Now both retired from their professsions, Angela and Mark first thought about fostering nearly 10 years ago when their own three children had grown up, left the home and begun their own lives as independent adults.  They were by then in their mid-50s – they’re keen to let people know that age shouldn’t be a barrier to the process – some people think they can’t possibly become a foster carer above the age of 50, but, now in their mid-60’s they’re about to do it again!

It was an advert they’d seen in a local newspaper that prompted them to get in touch with Eastern Fostering Services.  They’d both had experience with children from disadvantaged backgrounds through their work, not that they say that was necessary to have in order to become a foster carer, but, it was certainly a motivating factor for them.

After an initial visit from Eastern Fostering Services staff,  they were provided with one-to-one support from one of their social workers to take them through the “Skills to Foster” course in which they not only learned valuable skills that they’d use in the years ahead, but, learned a lot about themselves. “We learned a lot about ourselves; why we have and hold certain attitudes”, says Mark.  It was an enriching experience for them both and for their family, and one where they were able to be themselves without a fear of being judged.

The judgement actually came from some of their friends who were horrified that they’d be taking on new responsibilities when they should be winding down and easing into retirement.  “Are you sure you want to do that” was a common response when they told friends and some in their extended families. Many tried to talk them out of it.  It did make them think – one area that concerned them was that they weren’t as young as they used to be, but, now, nearly ten years on they are worried much less about that.  “You don’t have to be super-fit – patience, tolerance and resilience are the most important things,” says Angela, “the support from Eastern Fostering Services provides everything else you need for the journey”.

In the next in our series on Angela and Mark’s journey we’ll hear about their journey to becoming approved carers in The Road to Panel

View the full series of Angela and Mark’s story here

*we have changed the carers’ names

The post The Fostering Journey: The story of Angela and Mark* appeared first on Eastern Fostering Services.