Becoming a foster carer is an act of compassion, courage, and commitment. Yet alongside the excitement and sense of purpose, many carers quietly carry a fear they don’t always feel comfortable admitting:
What if the child doesn’t like me?
If this thought has crossed your mind, you are not alone. In fact, it’s one of the most common worries foster carers experience — especially at the beginning. And importantly, it does not mean you are unsuitable or unprepared. Quite the opposite.
Why This Worry Is So Common
At its heart, fostering is deeply relational. You are welcoming a child into your home, offering care, safety, and emotional presence — often to a child who has experienced loss, rejection, or trauma. Wanting that child to feel comfortable with you is a natural and human desire.
Foster carers may worry about:
- Being rejected or pushed away
- Not forming a bond quickly enough
- Failing to meet the child’s emotional needs
- Being compared to birth parents or previous carers
For many carers, this fear is also tied to pressure — the pressure to “get it right,” to help the child heal, and to be someone the child can trust. When you care deeply, it’s natural to fear falling short.
Understanding the Child’s Perspective
It can be helpful to reframe what “not liking you” might actually mean.
Children entering foster care are often overwhelmed. They may be confused, grieving, angry, scared, or emotionally shut down. Their behaviour is not a reflection of you as a carer — it is communication shaped by experiences they did not choose.
A child who appears distant, angry, or resistant may be:
- Protecting themselves from further loss
- Testing whether you are safe and consistent
- Mourning their family or familiar surroundings
- Feeling loyalty conflicts or guilt
In these moments, emotional withdrawal or challenging behaviour is not rejection — it is survival.
Connection Takes Time — and That’s Okay
Unlike traditional parenting narratives, foster care doesn’t always begin with instant warmth or affection. Attachment is not built through perfection or popularity; it is built through consistency.
Children learn to trust when they see that:
- You show up even when things are hard
- You remain calm during emotional storms
- You set boundaries while staying kind
- You don’t give up on them
Liking often comes after safety — not before it.
And sometimes, a child may never openly express fondness in the way you expect. That does not mean your care hasn’t mattered. For some children, stability itself is the gift.
Reassurance for Foster Carers
If you worry that a child might not like you, here are a few gentle truths to hold onto:
- You don’t need to be liked to make a difference.
Your role is to provide safety, care, and consistency — not to win approval. - A child’s behaviour is not a verdict on your worth.
Rejection often reflects pain, not preference. - There is no “right” way to be a foster carer.
Authenticity, patience, and reliability matter far more than getting everything perfect. - You are allowed to feel vulnerable.
Caring deeply enough to worry means you are emotionally invested — and that is a strength.
What Helps When the Fear Creeps In
- Focus on being predictable, not impressive
- Celebrate small signs of trust, even if they’re subtle
- Lean on support networks — other carers, supervisors, or training groups
- Be kind to yourself on hard days
Above all, remember this: foster care is not about being instantly loved. It is about offering love without guarantees.
Final Thoughts
Many foster carers begin their journey worried about whether a child will like them. Over time, what often matters more is something quieter and deeper — that the child felt safe, respected, and cared for in your home.
And sometimes, long after the placement ends, that is when the appreciation finally appears.
Your presence matters more than you know.
